Last Christmas

Last Christmas Eve I went out with two of my best friends to celebrate the holiday. I woke up Christmas day feeling a little hungover but not terrible. Still in bed I cruised instagram and watched a story from a friend I was celebrating with the night before. I was singing karaoke in the video. I don’t sing karaoke very often and I DEFINITELY did not remember singing the night before. So I thought whoa ok I must’ve had a little too much fun, but no biggie my memory was starting to get a little weird last December, and I didn’t eat the day before. So I got up to go to the bathroom and stepped in cold puke. I was about to curse my cat out until I saw the condition of my apartment. My couch was across the room and nothing was were it should be. My keys were on the floor by the door (I’d find out later my pal brought me home and locked me in and slid the keys under the door). So I went to the bathroom. As I came back to my room I saw my full length mirror was smashed and jagged pieces of glass were everywhere. I examined my naked body and I was cut up from my armpit to my butt check on one side. I could have died that night a couple times. My friends were worried about me and so was I. I wasn’t eating and I knew that was why I was blacking out more often (every time I drank). At one point one of my friends looked me in my eyes and said ‘I will not go out with you unless you’ve eaten’ so I made a point to eat before I’d hang out with them. It would take 7 months, a concussion and a wild brain for me to decide booze isn’t for me (at least right now). It’s been more than a year since I started feeding/not feeding my trauma symptoms and that feels a little long for me. I’m worried I won’t know how to stop, I’ve been here before I just need to figure out how to let go of my tight grasp.

I’m not asking for help, or advice. I’m sharing this because I know I’m not alone, and sometimes just saying things out loud helps me see better.